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    长安闲情送友人之江城

                 长安闲情送友人之江城
          萋萋烟草小楼西，素面铅华却旅衣。
          宁羞三宵折柳醉，不若一寸相思灰。
          胡骅地嶙食北草，越鸟天寒意南归。
          此去江城愁始今，阳关未起涕霏霏。
    【注】
      江城：吉林的俗称，亦作船厂。古称乌拉。
      颔联“灰”出韵了。
      衣、归、霏：上平五微韵。灰：上平十灰韵。
     
    May 14 5:52 PM | Blog it | 原创诗词

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    Given Leewrote:
    呵呵，小弟汗颜阿
    高中时读你读你的诗词文章，感慨良多，而今再度 看到你的诗作，越加老练，愈是深味，愈能感受到你儒雅细腻的真性情，这就改变了我以往对你的敬畏感觉，怎么说呢，可能是以前交往不多吧，高中三年竟没有和你促膝相谈，真是遗憾。。。。。。
            
             听雨庭中落,天霁晚阳昏.
             长风不现影,孤日空留痕.
             残霞云中育,秋草唯虫鸣.
             远星明不寂,朗月踱太清. 
     
    评：鸣，清        下平   八庚  韵
          昏，痕        上平   十三元  韵
    从整体上来说，是有些出韵的，但这是根据《平水新刊韵律》而言，当今的中华新韵 我没有读过。但写近体诗或是填词，我一向使用“平水韵”。不知兄是按新韵而起？
    首句仄起不入平韵式是这样的
    仄仄平平仄，平平仄仄平。
    平平仄仄平，仄仄平平仄
    平平平仄仄，仄仄仄平平。
    仄仄仄平平，平平平仄仄
    细细看来，此诗首联＂天霁晚阳昏＂与颔联＂长风不现影＂失粘，颈联与尾联出句出律是为失对．．．
     
    弟浅陋评语，不足为鉴，但弟认为诗之所以是诗，韵律是关键，读出来应该有音乐的美感，这些都体现在韵律上，所以我向来对韵律很苛刻，但自己写时往往也犯这些．
    原与兄共勉之
    　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　子贤顿首拜书足下
    July 29
    Pinocchiowrote:
    我也来掉书袋!吭~吭~安静啊,开始!
    贤弟既书七言,愚兄且以旧日无名五言佐之,萤虫渺于皓月,愧之以已.望贤弟不哂雅鉴
             听雨庭中落,天霁晚阳昏.
             长风不现影,孤日空留痕.
             残霞云中育,秋草唯虫鸣.
             远星明不寂,朗月踱太清.
    愚兄三顿再求,贤弟赋名以正愚兄之拙作,点睛之恩,涕零能表!
     
    我靠,这么说话还真他妈的累!果然不是我们这种流氓的风格!
    July 28

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